Dear Rachel,
I know life's pretty hard right now and you've been thinking back to those days before you're committed in a relationship. You were pretty independent and full of love for yourself but what happened to that? What happened to all the happiness we made together? What made you behaved so toxic and abusive towards yourself?
Remembers those times when you were in college, you were pretty happy and honestly, you didn't bother to give a flying fuck to any critics coming your way. You were chirpy and full of life that you made everyone laugh and actually happy to be around you, they seek for you in times of their depressing days. But what happened, Rachel?
You have always depended on yourself to do all the things you love and you constantly know your self-worth but why do you seek for validation of others now? Back then, you know happiness and love comes from within before you can love others. Why do you seek that attention and validation from others now? You were very good with making decisions and you know your direction in life. You knew what makes you happy and what didn't. You were constantly trying to improve yourself so that your mental state is all the time healthy.
But Rachel, it all went downhill when you got yourself into the dating world. You started dating and from the very first guy you dated, he rejected you. From that rejection, you held in so much hate for yourself because you thought you're not worthy of others to love you. You always thought that you need to prove to someone that you are lovable. So you moved on to seek that in another guy who then tore you into million pieces, you were in depression because of him. Because of him, you started smoking and drinking. You try to find ways to destroy that chirpy and happy side of you because apparently, no guy likes that part of you. You look so haggard now and you're losing weight. The worst thing now, you don't even mind having thoughts of suicidal because you felt unworthy to be alive. You feel like every move, every thought, every word and everything you do are wrong and you're unworthy to live. You lost all the motivation and you lost a great guy because of your toxic behaviour that you accumulated since you dive into the dating world. But life has its way of going around because imagine if you met that great guy the first time you started dating again, the damages wouldn't be as severe now.
You were in the dark for a good 3 years and it's funny how you didn't notice anything. You thought it was your inner true self that came out and you thought that is something people respect you for but you're wrong, Rachel. Even you didn't like that part of yourself. You changed into someone you're not but you thought that was you, honestly that's just all the hate for yourself that's showing out. I hate seeing this side of you. I want the healthy and happy Rachel back where she has so many goals to achieve and dreams to fulfil, the things she LOVES doing.
You always kept that mindset that people should love your flaws and that ugly side of you but even you can't stand that part of yourself. You have blocked out trying to improve yourself because you kept telling yourself if people leave you, it's their loss and you're just who you are. You're noticing more and more are leaving and finally realised, there's something wrong going on with you.
Rachel, stop craving for attention when I needed you to pay attention to me AKA yourself! You ignored me when I kept calling for you to come to back but you chose to block that out and went out to hang with your friends so that you can be distracted and feel loved. I needed love too, Rachel. You kept attaching yourself to your then boyfriend because that was definition of love to you, to be around him 24/7 but what happened to spending time with yourself? To love to do all the things you used to love by yourself. You neglected those needs for yourself to allow someone to love you but you never felt satisfied.
Do you remember those time when all you think about was just your own happiness and none of it concerns being committed into a relationship? Because you were working on yourself so well, you were learning bit by bit about yourself until you gave into peer-pressure to start dating when you weren't even ready. Your lesson to love yourself wasn't even near complete but you thought you knew better and here we are, depressed by the toxic behaviours and hurting the people you love.
When you started being committed into a relationship, you took those negative mindset with you too. You thought you know what love and relationship was all about. But you failed yourself because you didn't accomplish step 1 which is to love and care for yourself. You thought your then boyfriend will do the job and you'll feel loved no matter what but guess what Rachel, you kept demanding for more than it should be. You got out of control till the extent you didn't know how you want to be loved and treated. You didn't understand yourself. No one could unless you do, Rachel. No matter what he does for you, you see it as "not enough" because you thought you deserve more. Well, do you know why you think you deserve more? That's the part for you to fulfil and to be satisfied and that's to love your fucking self, Rachel. He could only do 50% but the other 50% is to be done by yourself.
It is no one's job to make you feel loved and happy but yourself because when you're alone, who do you turn to? Yourself. But don't get me wrong, it is also your boyfriend's job to love and make you happy, that's the bonus for yourself. The main source comes from yourself and within, Rachel. Don't conform yourself into someone you're not.
Do you know you glow the best when you love yourself? Because that's the version of you people love and they actually want to be around you. You shine when the love you have for yourself radiates within. Rachel, you're missing on all these events for 3 years and could have avoided to be what you are right now.
I know I'm speaking out of frustration and disappointment because this is what you feel exactly. Because this is not what you've ever anticipated of becoming and worst of all, you lost yourself and someone you truly love. But Rachel, it is alright. You're not perfect and you're prone to make mistakes, that's how you learn and that's basically how you "human". Don't push yourself too much because you're still a work in progress, it's not a work to be done overnight. I know you want to see results but it won't work if you don't forgive yourself. Stop judging or blaming yourself. What damage have been done, it's done. You can't change that but one thing's for sure is to improve and not repeat those behaviours but TAKE TIME TO HEAL, DON'T RUSH IT. You have many more days to wake up to better yourself, to find yourself. I know you're really eager to be happy again but it is a lot of work to do, you wouldn't want to be burnt out. Take your own pace and stop listening to what others have to say about something they don't understand. You know yourself better than anyone does.
I know you have so much love to give but it is time to give it back to yourself. No one can fill up that void in you except yourself. As much as you want someone to love you, it will never be enough. Not as enough as the love you give yourself. This is a self-reminder, don't get into a relationship unless you've fully recovered and you know exactly how to work things around yourself at your lowest. I know you want someone specific to be with you for life but understand that he needs space and he too needs to find himself again. I'm not blaming you that he became like this but just imagine dating that you during those time, it is exhausting because you're never satisfied. Even you don't know how to deal with that girl you see in the mirror. But darling, don't beg him to stay even when you're done healing yourself. He has his own personal rights to move on from you and it's not because you're not lovable or not worthy but sometimes, things and feelings change. Just remember, no one owes you anything but you only. If he wants you and when he is ready, he will come after you and believe me, you'll love him even more because he becomes a better version of himself. A person who knows how to love himself and and you, your love is just a bonus to him. Both of you just needs to be emotionally and mentally healthy to continue on or else, it will just create more damages.
Now, it is time to focus on yourself and your needs. Learn to love without depending on anyone but yourself. Learn to alter your temper into a positive behaviour. Learn to communicate better so you don't potentially hurt anyone. Learn to encourage and motivate yourself. Learn to feel your soul again and listen to it talking back to you. Take note on days when you are feeling horrible and how did you deal with it. Note down the good days as well so that it can remind you that not everyday is a bad day. Most importantly, take note on the things you love doing so you don't lose track.
It takes guts to acknowledge all the bad and toxic behaviours you've been practicing and change is never too late once realised. I know you're always willing to change and improve yourself. This time, you're improving and changing for yourself and no one else. Not anyone's opinion that made you change but you came to peace with yourself that it is time to change this behaviour that is killing you. You will do just fine and you'll be renewed soon enough! You will one day laugh at this because that one day, you're finally happy with who you are.
Love is a verb, not a noun. It will be hard work and you know it's worth the hard work because you can't wait to see Rachel glow again.
Love,
Rachel
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Soul Searching
"The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind"
22 May 2019, Wednesday || The Relationship Talk
After months of not being in close contact with my dearest friend, she asked me out today and talked about what have been happening. And this friend of mine connects with me extremely well when it comes to relationships. She confided in me about her break up that took place a week ago but after 2 days, they reconciled. Then she continued on to ask about mine and I told her, it's complicated and there goes story-telling for about 5 hours.
One thing I love about my friends is they don't hesitate to call out my bullshit and today, I got tons of those with a ton of head hitting too. I deserved those head hitting, affirmative. What got me into that situation? Well, basically a lot of my own wrong and toxic doings. First and foremost, I was telling her about the story that I'm back in contact with my ex-boyfriend who I call "friend" but acts nothing like it. I told her that 2 days ago, I cut him off until 15th July 2019 because I needed to fix myself for myself and I want to stop hurting him. You might ask, what did I do to him to the extent of cutting him out? Well, it's never nice to admit it but hello guys, meet toxic Rachel 1.0. I'm not at all proud of it but it's good that I'm finally aware of it and now I just need the time to heal and recover, to detox and fix myself to be toxic-free Rachel 1.0.
I discovered this when one day I caught myself repeatedly fighting with, let's call him Lucky Charm, and nothing had ever been solved. I was curious of why this behaviour keeps repeating and thanks to Google, I found out that my behaviour has been very toxic. For one, I lash out on Lucky Charm for my own expectations or expectations I want him to fulfil when he is not suppose to oblige to any of it. It has been tough for me because to me, Lucky Charm is someone I want in my life but for now or possibly never, I can't have him because I have so much feelings for him and not reciprocated, I'm emotionally frustrated of who I am to him.
So I told my friend of the whole situation with me and Lucky Charm. She looked at me and said, I understand you want to find yourself and fix yourself but is it necessary to cut him off for nearly 2 months? When it could be shortened to probably 3 weeks." And continued on with, "Rachel. I hope you don't feel that I'm opposing you or siding Lucky Charm but it's clearly you both wants each other but there's just something you both need to fix and put into each other's shoes. For the many times you said he doesn't care or love you, but have you thought carefully what his love language is or actually acknowledge his actions? We both know boys are never truly good with words but just because it's something you want from him, doesn't mean it's his form of way in expressing it to you". That left me dumbfounded for not knowing it. I was full of myself but never came to understand Lucky Charm or acknowledge his needs.
Before she continued advising (lecturing) me, she asked "Rachel, listen to yourself. Do you still want him?" and I couldn't answer. I reasoned to her that I don't feel secured nor am I able to trust him. I'm afraid to have history repeating itself and she said "If you're unable to trust him then why bother keeping him around? Deep down you know you want to trust him again. You have to know if he is worth it because Rachel, if he is worth it you have to learn how to trust him. He can't do much on that part. I believe he have been constantly trying to tell you he won't do the same again. But you have to do the job yourself and let it go or else, it will never work." And once again, dumbfounded but make legit point. I guess her master's didn't go to waste and this is only 20% of what we were talking about.
When she made these points, I thought to myself "man, she's right. All these expectations and all these needs. They are all just from me but what do I really understood Lucky Charm ever wanted?" I have constantly only looked at situations negatively but to think of it now, there were many days that I didn't acknowledge how he cared and made effort to still keep me around his life. I took it all negatively and for granted.
I still insisted that I needed space and to relearn about myself. She further pointed out, "You and I both know Lucky Charm isn't a bad guy nor does he have any bad intentions. Lucky Charm just doesn't know how to deal or fix the situation because he is extremely inexperienced. Hence, your frustration because he is unable to comfort and yet again, according to how you want it. But it's also up to him, in situations like this whether if he is willing to learn how to deal with it or just leave it to yourself to deal with. If he leaves it for you to deal with it yourself, then Rach why do you still need him in your life? My boyfriend and I went through those phases that you experienced and Rach, trust me. From time to time, you have to reflect what went wrong in the relationship and see in which part of yourself or him that needs to improve for the better of the relationship. For me, I had to spoon-feed my boyfriend because he is damn clueless on dealing with situations as well. Things have been better because he took my needs into account." She went on telling me that she has this journal that she keeps track of her relationship and things to remind her of how to deal with her boyfriend. She advised me to do the same, but I was a little reluctant because technically, I don't have a boyfriend.
From the time she started dating her boyfriend until this day, I envy her relationship because to see her grow with her boyfriend to make the relationship work is exactly what I want too and I'm genuinely happy for her because she's just so filled with love right now, you can see her glow. She added in "You just need someone to grow with you. Someone who is willing to understand you from time to time because we change every day, it's only for the better or worst. If Lucky Charm is not WILLING to do that with you, time for you to move on. Remember, you need 2 hands to clap and this means if you're the one working on this relationship and he ISN'T WILLING to play his part and work with you, cancel the deal. I believe you know that pretty well with dealing business." and I'm astonished. She grew so much from someone who was insecure and unsure of where her relationship is directing her but now look at how sure she is. Basically, what I learn is that one's got to know the ways of how their partner works and meet halfway.
She then added, "You'll never find THE ONE when you're constantly selfish and unwilling to improve yourself in the relationship. And don't bother what others say about your relationship whether it's meant to be or not. In a way a relationship is meant to be is when you communicate and understand each other's ways. Be honest and grow, that's how you know if you're compatible when both works together." I almost cried hearing her say that because that would be something I would look into if Lucky Charm and I ever work out. But I still insist on this break because I needed the time and space to heal and stop hurting him because of my own damages.
When I got back home, I felt heavy in my heart and cried for solid 4 hours. I never felt so vulnerable after so long and honestly, I just needed one person to be around and give me all the hugs that will ease off the pain, but I had to remind myself to stop depending on someone to love me when actually the love is needed by myself. I messaged her shortly and she gave me the best replies that comforted me.
She then asked me, "What if he contact you even prior to the dateline you set? Will you be happy or pissed?" and I didn't hesitate to answer "It'll be heaven to me if he finds me 1 week or 2 earlier from the dateline. To know that he still thinks of me. For once, I would like someone to break the rules of love. Like fuck it, I miss her, and I will text her." She continued to tell me to start journaling my emotions from day to day basis and instead of making assumptions, learn to ask questions like "why". She taught me the correct way to practice breathing when I'm angry or stress.
I guess, in the end of the day. All I really wanted from a relationship is honesty and good communication. I just wanted to matter to someone as much as I do for him. I want words of affirmations. Someone who isn't shy to declare what he feels. Like sometimes it ticks me off when a person misses their partner but never acknowledges it by saying it out LOUD. Like if you miss me, then it'll be so nice to hear "hey, I miss you" or "I'm thinking of you". It doesn't cost anything, not even a cent to say it but bonus point, you'll make your partner feel so loved and appreciated. But for now, I have nobody and no relationship to work on how I want to be treated so it's time for all the love to myself.
Till next time! Rachel's in progress
Love,
Rachel Soo
22 May 2019, Wednesday || The Relationship Talk
After months of not being in close contact with my dearest friend, she asked me out today and talked about what have been happening. And this friend of mine connects with me extremely well when it comes to relationships. She confided in me about her break up that took place a week ago but after 2 days, they reconciled. Then she continued on to ask about mine and I told her, it's complicated and there goes story-telling for about 5 hours.
One thing I love about my friends is they don't hesitate to call out my bullshit and today, I got tons of those with a ton of head hitting too. I deserved those head hitting, affirmative. What got me into that situation? Well, basically a lot of my own wrong and toxic doings. First and foremost, I was telling her about the story that I'm back in contact with my ex-boyfriend who I call "friend" but acts nothing like it. I told her that 2 days ago, I cut him off until 15th July 2019 because I needed to fix myself for myself and I want to stop hurting him. You might ask, what did I do to him to the extent of cutting him out? Well, it's never nice to admit it but hello guys, meet toxic Rachel 1.0. I'm not at all proud of it but it's good that I'm finally aware of it and now I just need the time to heal and recover, to detox and fix myself to be toxic-free Rachel 1.0.
I discovered this when one day I caught myself repeatedly fighting with, let's call him Lucky Charm, and nothing had ever been solved. I was curious of why this behaviour keeps repeating and thanks to Google, I found out that my behaviour has been very toxic. For one, I lash out on Lucky Charm for my own expectations or expectations I want him to fulfil when he is not suppose to oblige to any of it. It has been tough for me because to me, Lucky Charm is someone I want in my life but for now or possibly never, I can't have him because I have so much feelings for him and not reciprocated, I'm emotionally frustrated of who I am to him.
So I told my friend of the whole situation with me and Lucky Charm. She looked at me and said, I understand you want to find yourself and fix yourself but is it necessary to cut him off for nearly 2 months? When it could be shortened to probably 3 weeks." And continued on with, "Rachel. I hope you don't feel that I'm opposing you or siding Lucky Charm but it's clearly you both wants each other but there's just something you both need to fix and put into each other's shoes. For the many times you said he doesn't care or love you, but have you thought carefully what his love language is or actually acknowledge his actions? We both know boys are never truly good with words but just because it's something you want from him, doesn't mean it's his form of way in expressing it to you". That left me dumbfounded for not knowing it. I was full of myself but never came to understand Lucky Charm or acknowledge his needs.
Before she continued advising (lecturing) me, she asked "Rachel, listen to yourself. Do you still want him?" and I couldn't answer. I reasoned to her that I don't feel secured nor am I able to trust him. I'm afraid to have history repeating itself and she said "If you're unable to trust him then why bother keeping him around? Deep down you know you want to trust him again. You have to know if he is worth it because Rachel, if he is worth it you have to learn how to trust him. He can't do much on that part. I believe he have been constantly trying to tell you he won't do the same again. But you have to do the job yourself and let it go or else, it will never work." And once again, dumbfounded but make legit point. I guess her master's didn't go to waste and this is only 20% of what we were talking about.
When she made these points, I thought to myself "man, she's right. All these expectations and all these needs. They are all just from me but what do I really understood Lucky Charm ever wanted?" I have constantly only looked at situations negatively but to think of it now, there were many days that I didn't acknowledge how he cared and made effort to still keep me around his life. I took it all negatively and for granted.
I still insisted that I needed space and to relearn about myself. She further pointed out, "You and I both know Lucky Charm isn't a bad guy nor does he have any bad intentions. Lucky Charm just doesn't know how to deal or fix the situation because he is extremely inexperienced. Hence, your frustration because he is unable to comfort and yet again, according to how you want it. But it's also up to him, in situations like this whether if he is willing to learn how to deal with it or just leave it to yourself to deal with. If he leaves it for you to deal with it yourself, then Rach why do you still need him in your life? My boyfriend and I went through those phases that you experienced and Rach, trust me. From time to time, you have to reflect what went wrong in the relationship and see in which part of yourself or him that needs to improve for the better of the relationship. For me, I had to spoon-feed my boyfriend because he is damn clueless on dealing with situations as well. Things have been better because he took my needs into account." She went on telling me that she has this journal that she keeps track of her relationship and things to remind her of how to deal with her boyfriend. She advised me to do the same, but I was a little reluctant because technically, I don't have a boyfriend.
From the time she started dating her boyfriend until this day, I envy her relationship because to see her grow with her boyfriend to make the relationship work is exactly what I want too and I'm genuinely happy for her because she's just so filled with love right now, you can see her glow. She added in "You just need someone to grow with you. Someone who is willing to understand you from time to time because we change every day, it's only for the better or worst. If Lucky Charm is not WILLING to do that with you, time for you to move on. Remember, you need 2 hands to clap and this means if you're the one working on this relationship and he ISN'T WILLING to play his part and work with you, cancel the deal. I believe you know that pretty well with dealing business." and I'm astonished. She grew so much from someone who was insecure and unsure of where her relationship is directing her but now look at how sure she is. Basically, what I learn is that one's got to know the ways of how their partner works and meet halfway.
She then added, "You'll never find THE ONE when you're constantly selfish and unwilling to improve yourself in the relationship. And don't bother what others say about your relationship whether it's meant to be or not. In a way a relationship is meant to be is when you communicate and understand each other's ways. Be honest and grow, that's how you know if you're compatible when both works together." I almost cried hearing her say that because that would be something I would look into if Lucky Charm and I ever work out. But I still insist on this break because I needed the time and space to heal and stop hurting him because of my own damages.
When I got back home, I felt heavy in my heart and cried for solid 4 hours. I never felt so vulnerable after so long and honestly, I just needed one person to be around and give me all the hugs that will ease off the pain, but I had to remind myself to stop depending on someone to love me when actually the love is needed by myself. I messaged her shortly and she gave me the best replies that comforted me.
She then asked me, "What if he contact you even prior to the dateline you set? Will you be happy or pissed?" and I didn't hesitate to answer "It'll be heaven to me if he finds me 1 week or 2 earlier from the dateline. To know that he still thinks of me. For once, I would like someone to break the rules of love. Like fuck it, I miss her, and I will text her." She continued to tell me to start journaling my emotions from day to day basis and instead of making assumptions, learn to ask questions like "why". She taught me the correct way to practice breathing when I'm angry or stress.
I guess, in the end of the day. All I really wanted from a relationship is honesty and good communication. I just wanted to matter to someone as much as I do for him. I want words of affirmations. Someone who isn't shy to declare what he feels. Like sometimes it ticks me off when a person misses their partner but never acknowledges it by saying it out LOUD. Like if you miss me, then it'll be so nice to hear "hey, I miss you" or "I'm thinking of you". It doesn't cost anything, not even a cent to say it but bonus point, you'll make your partner feel so loved and appreciated. But for now, I have nobody and no relationship to work on how I want to be treated so it's time for all the love to myself.
Till next time! Rachel's in progress
Love,
Rachel Soo
Saturday, January 13, 2018
My Amazing Boyfriend
I have no idea how to start my introduction but just so you know, I’m
writing all these at 6 in the morning on 10th of January 2018 due to
the fact that I just can’t fall asleep and this gives me a chance to actually
complete this post. I really need to get my sleep order right because honestly,
I don’t like to stay up when I could have just slept but I just can’t and it
sucks. Well, aside from my sleeping disorders, let’s jump right into what I
have stated on my title.
I honestly don’t know how to start off introducing this special man in
my life because there are so much to say and believe me, dropping down with
words is just not enough. Why I say he’s special? Well, first of all cause’ he’s
my boyfriend (of course) and second of all, he’s just perfect and he does not
treat me how any of my ex or any guy I’ve dated. I know all human kinds are not
perfect and I’m not saying he is completely perfect, he has his imperfections
and I have mine but how he is and who he is, is just perfect. And hear me out,
if everything wills it and even if God does, I want to keep him forever until
my final breath.
For those who have journeyed with me my whole life or have read my
previous posts, you probably would have known that how I always talked about
how single I am and how I feared to get myself into a relationship. But, don’t
get me wrong! When the whole going out with him thing or you would call it “on
dates”, I have fears of being together with him and having thoughts like “What
if I got together with him is just like an experience for him to have a
girlfriend and eventually things doesn’t work out and I have my heartbroken
then I would have to pick up the pieces again?”. It was not easy to have those
thoughts running around my head when you’re trying to put your heart at risk.
But of course, in the end when we ended up together, I’ve never regretted that
I made the choice to give a go with him because he’s the best thing that has
happened to me in 2017 and fingers crossed, to be forever in my life.
Don’t get me wrong like my relationship with him is all fireworks and
glittery but in fact, we had our flawed moments and gosh, those are the times
that I feared most. For I mostly feared that I might lose him. I would rather
give up my ego and try to make things right with him. The thing I most admire
about him is how humble he is when we’re at our lows. Yes, we would still have
fights, loads of disagreements while we’re at it but in the end, he just lets
himself down and made sure that solutions are there to clear it off.
There are times that I feel like I’m holding him onto this relationship
that he may not be happy and many times, I feel like he don’t deserve to be with someone like me with all these unnecessary emotions and paranoia that made of me. I’ve
always felt that he deserves way better to be with anyone else but me. But I don’t
know what he sees in me that he is willing to sacrifice and go through all
these pain with me, knowing it hurts him so much too. One of my biggest fears
in a relationship is cheating as I’ve been through that many times. I have
fears that it would happen to this relationship and it is not because he has
the urge to chase after a hot girl or someone who appear to have better
features than me but more of who I am, how much of a burden I am that he would
be better off with some other girls that actually lessen all these troubles for
him. And he knows that is what I’m paranoid most but really, I really don’t
deserve him because he patiently reminds every single time that he would not do
that and reminds me of how much he loves me. With all the dramas I put him
through, again and again, he lets me know that I am all he loves and all he
wants to be with which is the only hope that keeps me going that there’s actually someone
who loves me for who I am and would fight for me.
From the very start of our relationship, which I believe happens to all
relationships, it was all good and all fireworks but as months pass by, there
are so many things that we learnt about each other and things start to mess up
and for someone like me, I tend to give up. He might be inexperience
about how a relationship works but if it’s not because of him, I don’t think I
would know how to actually fight for love. Every time we have our fights at the
start of our relationship, I tend to give into thoughts of breaking up but he
is one who taught me to create a solution instead of giving up. He is
persistent about making sure we have solutions in the end of the fight instead
of forgetting about what happened and bottle it up. I actually found someone who
taught me not to bottle things up and talk it out instead of letting it pass. In my
past relationships, it’s all about bottling up and not sharing it fearing it
screws up the whole romance because in the end, all these small fights bring us
no good and either one just couldn’t take all these stupid attitudes and silly bullshit
and break it off for the better.
When I was single, my friends have told me that I’m this chilled girl
who does not care about my boy looking at other girls and won’t get jealous for
unnecessary things but ever since I’m with my current boyfriend, I’m extremely jealous
of who he is with or who he is talking to. When I told my friends these, they
were taken aback and said “woah, that’s not the Rachel I know at all, what the
fuck happened?”. Well, honestly, I have no idea either. I did not even realize that
I was scanning through a girl that he used to liked or at least a random girl passing
by until someone told me so, I just couldn’t help it. What I know is that I always
teased him for having interest in some random girl with of course a little bit of
jealousy but most of the time I don’t mean it and let it pass. But there’s this
day that something happened between him and his close high school girl friend
and that triggered me off. I was extremely jealous of what happened and
honestly, I still cannot let it slide. And there I know, we have to talk about
boundaries which we have never came into a formal and serious talk about it
until that happened. During that, I keep thinking if it was even necessary for
me to be like that or even make it a big matter but one thing’s for sure that I’ve
been taught from my counsellor is to voice out what I feel because that’s how I
genuinely felt and I cannot alter what I felt or no one can tell me if it is
right or wrong to how I should feel. But honestly, all these jealousy that I
have makes me look like a bad person and controlling which I’ve told myself
before I would never be like that.
I guess all I really want to say after this long ass post is that I’m
the happiest person alive because of him and being together with him because
not once that I have regretted being with him. It’s going to be our first
anniversary soon and all I really wished for is that we’ll be going through
this whole relationship together until we grow old despite the fact how tough
it can be. To be honest, this post is supposed to be an appreciation post for
him but I felt like I’ve ranted more on our flaws (haha). Well, I’ll keep it
short here as I’m ending is that I would never want anyone else but him. I’ve
never felt so secured until I found him and he gives the best cuddles which is
the only reason why I can sleep so well when I’m with him and on days when I’m
not sleeping with him, it’s just terrible! I’m thankful that I’m with him
because as mentioned, I finally felt loved. He knows how to love despite times he
can wreck my brain so badly but he would make sure that I know that he loves me
and he actually fights for me even though I’m such a mess that he doesn’t
deserve. Besides that, he knows how to make me laugh and bring out that
childish side of me. He could bring all those happiness and childishness out in
me which no one can. He is like the boyfriend that I’ve always been asking for
and the wait was worth it.
Babe, if you’re reading my blog, I just want to say that you’re truly
the best thing that has ever happened to me and as much as there are so much
hurricane in our relationship, I love you loads and I would not want to give
you up for anybody. You truly made me the happiest person and thank you for
loving me unconditionally. Thank you for all the supports and putting with my
shit when you don’t even need those in your life. I appreciate loads for all
the surprises and efforts you worked for in this relationship. I hope and pray
that we’ll be together for the longest of time and still love each other more
each day. Thank you so much, Love!
Love,
Rachel Soo
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xoxo
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Lingering Past
It was a spontaneous thought while I was driving home at night, the thought of why I am who I am and how did I become who I am now. The thought started with why I am not like those who party late at night, drinking all the time, unafraid to fall in love over again and again and so on. Reflecting to my high school years, those were the times where I am very willing to risk it all and try out new things because of my curiosity and I realised, as I grow up, I become less of a risk-taker even on the little things. I realised I'm not as outgoing or risk-taking as how I used to anymore and I had to contemplate most of the things I do. There are so many things I have no experience in and had wished to try it. Things like clubbing, late night drinking with buddies, midnight road trip, and etc., and I wonder how did it started that I stop thinking of doing all those things as eager as I used to. This led to the next thought, why am I so afraid of emotions and be scathed from it. I noticed how less I want to care of others' well-being unlike before, where I take people's well-being and stories seriously and am willing to always make sure they are well but I have become of this person who want to care less of what others do anymore like it is none of my business to be bothered. It all sums up to, why did I become this person where I just want to love myself and only myself; the independent life of my own where nobody is concerned. Next question was when did it started, it took a long time for me to fit the puzzles together and the long night drive home was suffice. It started with just one person I used to loved dearly and only this only person who was able to bring such damage into my life even after 4 years.
It was a guy I used to date for just 10 days but the chase was long, it took 1 year to finally say "Yes, I want to be part of your life" to him but that magic only lasted for 10 days. You might think - "Seriously Rachel? A guy for 10 days and you get all your emotions tied up and declare yourself damaged? Funny". I find it funny too but unfortunately, the pain was real that it crumpled me wholly. You might also ask - "How does this link to the spontaneous thought?", well, it does because the moment I realised that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore is when I changed completely of how I used to be. I have always underestimated how much of a damage could a person you love can possibly bring but this one guy have proved me wrong because my whole world changed due to the fact that I loved him extremely dearly. I believed I used to be very carefree, I always get what I want from the people I love - I can just simple take advantage of them because they love me -, I used to actually trust in people, and funny thing, I used to want to have a deeper social level with people I socialise with but now, I'm none of those I listed. The people (friends) I socialise with became a very small group of people I actually would want to associate with and other than this small group, others I wouldn't care less.
It all started with this conversation with a friend from college about her divorced parents and we had a few discussions on relationships. I told her, "I think I have totally given up on wanting to fall in love and build a family. I think I'll just be a nun" and she asked me why. That's when I told her about the story of this guy I was together for 10 days. She asked me quite a number of questions that make great sense to me. She made me realised that it was never the number of ex's I had made me like this but only one made me lose faith in love and to reconnect with people around me in different levels. This was true because I noticed that one of my ex who was a big playboy that I dated for 8 months did not affect how I view relationships or love but in fact, after breaking up with him I was still willing to move on and find another person to start a relationship with. And here comes the best part, she made me realised that I have not actually moved on from the guy I was together for 10 days. She asked, "Rachel, think about it. Why have you truly avoid wanting to be in love and wanting to have a relationship? Only you know the answer." and during the drive night home gave me clear answers.
The answer is, I am still lingering in my past relationship that was 4 years ago and yet I have not moved on. I thought I have completely moved on and have forgotten about it but it has not. I realised the reason I push people away that could have been my potential another half is because I have always view them as "The guy I used to date 4 years ago". I have always put them into the shoes of that guy which was why I avoid wanting to like or fall in love because they could hurt me like how that guy hurt me or could lead me on like how that guy did. I was extremely sceptic that they would not be any different from that guy because I have categorise them all the same. This is when it hit me and questioned myself, "Why have I not given a chance to see that they might be different?". It has been 4 years already and I did not notice that he has always been on my mind and I have not actually moved on until now which I learned this and finally saying to myself that I want to let go and be who I really am and not someone who have been clearly damaged by one guy. I have rights to my own happiness and by that, it is to start letting him out of the picture and create my own happiness. For the past 2 years, I thought I have recovered from this ail but the recovery only starts now when I make it known to truly let go but it is never too late. Now, it is time for me to give other people the chances to prove me wrong that I can actually find love and faith in people again. It is time for me to let go of this protagonist of being a victim.
I could not completely blame him for damaging me. In fact, I'm thankful that he did albeit it was a painful one. He made me matured and reevaluate the reasons and purposes of why I would want to start loving again. He might have made me lose faith but he gave me this opportunity to learn how to trust and deal with it. He made me learn how to appreciate more in the value of relationships. And I am very thankful that he made the right choice to breakup with me so that I could have this chance to be with someone who would actually want to be with me for the rest of my life. So, thank you ex boyfriend of 10 days :)
Love,
Rachel Soo
It was a guy I used to date for just 10 days but the chase was long, it took 1 year to finally say "Yes, I want to be part of your life" to him but that magic only lasted for 10 days. You might think - "Seriously Rachel? A guy for 10 days and you get all your emotions tied up and declare yourself damaged? Funny". I find it funny too but unfortunately, the pain was real that it crumpled me wholly. You might also ask - "How does this link to the spontaneous thought?", well, it does because the moment I realised that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore is when I changed completely of how I used to be. I have always underestimated how much of a damage could a person you love can possibly bring but this one guy have proved me wrong because my whole world changed due to the fact that I loved him extremely dearly. I believed I used to be very carefree, I always get what I want from the people I love - I can just simple take advantage of them because they love me -, I used to actually trust in people, and funny thing, I used to want to have a deeper social level with people I socialise with but now, I'm none of those I listed. The people (friends) I socialise with became a very small group of people I actually would want to associate with and other than this small group, others I wouldn't care less.
It all started with this conversation with a friend from college about her divorced parents and we had a few discussions on relationships. I told her, "I think I have totally given up on wanting to fall in love and build a family. I think I'll just be a nun" and she asked me why. That's when I told her about the story of this guy I was together for 10 days. She asked me quite a number of questions that make great sense to me. She made me realised that it was never the number of ex's I had made me like this but only one made me lose faith in love and to reconnect with people around me in different levels. This was true because I noticed that one of my ex who was a big playboy that I dated for 8 months did not affect how I view relationships or love but in fact, after breaking up with him I was still willing to move on and find another person to start a relationship with. And here comes the best part, she made me realised that I have not actually moved on from the guy I was together for 10 days. She asked, "Rachel, think about it. Why have you truly avoid wanting to be in love and wanting to have a relationship? Only you know the answer." and during the drive night home gave me clear answers.
The answer is, I am still lingering in my past relationship that was 4 years ago and yet I have not moved on. I thought I have completely moved on and have forgotten about it but it has not. I realised the reason I push people away that could have been my potential another half is because I have always view them as "The guy I used to date 4 years ago". I have always put them into the shoes of that guy which was why I avoid wanting to like or fall in love because they could hurt me like how that guy hurt me or could lead me on like how that guy did. I was extremely sceptic that they would not be any different from that guy because I have categorise them all the same. This is when it hit me and questioned myself, "Why have I not given a chance to see that they might be different?". It has been 4 years already and I did not notice that he has always been on my mind and I have not actually moved on until now which I learned this and finally saying to myself that I want to let go and be who I really am and not someone who have been clearly damaged by one guy. I have rights to my own happiness and by that, it is to start letting him out of the picture and create my own happiness. For the past 2 years, I thought I have recovered from this ail but the recovery only starts now when I make it known to truly let go but it is never too late. Now, it is time for me to give other people the chances to prove me wrong that I can actually find love and faith in people again. It is time for me to let go of this protagonist of being a victim.
I could not completely blame him for damaging me. In fact, I'm thankful that he did albeit it was a painful one. He made me matured and reevaluate the reasons and purposes of why I would want to start loving again. He might have made me lose faith but he gave me this opportunity to learn how to trust and deal with it. He made me learn how to appreciate more in the value of relationships. And I am very thankful that he made the right choice to breakup with me so that I could have this chance to be with someone who would actually want to be with me for the rest of my life. So, thank you ex boyfriend of 10 days :)
Love,
Rachel Soo
Monday, May 16, 2016
Dear heavenly Father...
To the One Above,
It has been such a long time since I prayed and talk to you. I have been away for so long even until now, I'm still away in heart. My heart have been hardened, very much deeply but albeit You have always been on my mind. Dear Lord, You know what is deep within me. The things I think, the things I do and the dreams I strive to achieve. You know it all but as selfish and egoistic as I am, I want things my own way.
You're like a boy on the chase to get the girl of his dreams that he one day could marry because Lord, until this day, You did not stop leaving my side and You still prompt me to come back but You know that I'm this girl who likes to play hard to get and yet, You are still chasing her. You're like that boy, still hoping the girl to say yes to be Yours forever.
Lord, You've been so gracious and yet, what I want is to be away. I want the life of what seems to be normal to this world where I do what I want without consenting anyone. Where I don't need to live up to anyone's expectations and just be what I want to be. But why Lord, do You still keep calling me to come back? Why do you keep prompting me and work in so many ways just to make it known that You love me very dearly no matter what.
To recall of the very long period of being away from you, I have been so lost and there were so many bad decisions that I made. I wished I can undo those decisions. For as long as I have been away, You never stop testing me. You keep the options open for me to choose and yet, I'm still being tested. Situations of where I would choose You or other. When I didn't choose You, guilt is all I felt. Oh Lord, what are You trying to do to me?
Now, You made it known that the best decisions are usually made by You and without You, I tend to make stupid and bad decisions which I believe I will regret. Sometimes, I wish that all these feelings and prompting are fake but silly me, how can something be so true turns out to be fake. That would be blasphemy! As true as a shepherd looking for his one lost sheep.
Oh Lord, at this very moment, why are You putting a smile on my face? *laughs* but I'm thankful that for the many works You put to just make me realise that You are still real in my life and You'll still be there through the stormy weathers in some of my days or even weeks or months or years. Lord, though I am still away from heart and yet to be softened, I hope and pray still that You continue to work wonders in my life.
I love You, my Creator :)
Yours forever,
Rachel Soo
It has been such a long time since I prayed and talk to you. I have been away for so long even until now, I'm still away in heart. My heart have been hardened, very much deeply but albeit You have always been on my mind. Dear Lord, You know what is deep within me. The things I think, the things I do and the dreams I strive to achieve. You know it all but as selfish and egoistic as I am, I want things my own way.
You're like a boy on the chase to get the girl of his dreams that he one day could marry because Lord, until this day, You did not stop leaving my side and You still prompt me to come back but You know that I'm this girl who likes to play hard to get and yet, You are still chasing her. You're like that boy, still hoping the girl to say yes to be Yours forever.
Lord, You've been so gracious and yet, what I want is to be away. I want the life of what seems to be normal to this world where I do what I want without consenting anyone. Where I don't need to live up to anyone's expectations and just be what I want to be. But why Lord, do You still keep calling me to come back? Why do you keep prompting me and work in so many ways just to make it known that You love me very dearly no matter what.
To recall of the very long period of being away from you, I have been so lost and there were so many bad decisions that I made. I wished I can undo those decisions. For as long as I have been away, You never stop testing me. You keep the options open for me to choose and yet, I'm still being tested. Situations of where I would choose You or other. When I didn't choose You, guilt is all I felt. Oh Lord, what are You trying to do to me?
Now, You made it known that the best decisions are usually made by You and without You, I tend to make stupid and bad decisions which I believe I will regret. Sometimes, I wish that all these feelings and prompting are fake but silly me, how can something be so true turns out to be fake. That would be blasphemy! As true as a shepherd looking for his one lost sheep.
Oh Lord, at this very moment, why are You putting a smile on my face? *laughs* but I'm thankful that for the many works You put to just make me realise that You are still real in my life and You'll still be there through the stormy weathers in some of my days or even weeks or months or years. Lord, though I am still away from heart and yet to be softened, I hope and pray still that You continue to work wonders in my life.
I love You, my Creator :)
Yours forever,
Rachel Soo
Monday, March 21, 2016
Ail Mind & Heart
It's been a month now since I went out with "that guy" and ails my mind lately when he stops finding me. Well, I believe now it's confirmed that he would stop finding me. Did I played too hard to get or did I just think too much? At first, I believe I was in deep denial that I had a crush on him but now, it's darn crystal clear. I couldn't get him out of my mind and that's really annoying.
I've never fancy much of this feelings and emotions for someone. Because it keeps me thinking as well as overthinking of what he is doing and why he isn't texting me. This sucks! It's been about 5 days that we didn't text nor did he even find me. Days that we don't talk makes me wonder if it's my turn to initiate the conversation instead. But I've never been good with initiating conversations. And why am I having such strong feelings for someone I only met once?! Why can't I just let it go? It makes me wonder sometimes if he's worth waiting or going after. This might sound dramatic but he's always on my mind. Like literally whatever I do, he's surely what I'm thinking about. Even in class, I can just drift off thinking why he hasn't find me yet.
I guess I really like this guy without realising it. Damn it Rach. Now, it's the hard part - letting go. Letting go of someone I only had a crush on is like breaking up with my boyfriend. I dislike this feeling, it's gonna be an emotional period. And the worst part is, what if he comes finding me again when I'm about to give up? It would definitely boost up my hopes again.
Right now at this moment, I keep wondering if I should initiate the conversation via WhatsApp but wouldn't he thinks I'm a bit too desperate? That I'm thinking about him? What if he just thinks of me as friends and have no interest into having deep conversation with me? Probably it's time that I give up? I really need advice in this and yet no one can help. Love sucks!
I've never fancy much of this feelings and emotions for someone. Because it keeps me thinking as well as overthinking of what he is doing and why he isn't texting me. This sucks! It's been about 5 days that we didn't text nor did he even find me. Days that we don't talk makes me wonder if it's my turn to initiate the conversation instead. But I've never been good with initiating conversations. And why am I having such strong feelings for someone I only met once?! Why can't I just let it go? It makes me wonder sometimes if he's worth waiting or going after. This might sound dramatic but he's always on my mind. Like literally whatever I do, he's surely what I'm thinking about. Even in class, I can just drift off thinking why he hasn't find me yet.
I guess I really like this guy without realising it. Damn it Rach. Now, it's the hard part - letting go. Letting go of someone I only had a crush on is like breaking up with my boyfriend. I dislike this feeling, it's gonna be an emotional period. And the worst part is, what if he comes finding me again when I'm about to give up? It would definitely boost up my hopes again.
Right now at this moment, I keep wondering if I should initiate the conversation via WhatsApp but wouldn't he thinks I'm a bit too desperate? That I'm thinking about him? What if he just thinks of me as friends and have no interest into having deep conversation with me? Probably it's time that I give up? I really need advice in this and yet no one can help. Love sucks!
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Same old story
You know how it's so funny whenever I feel troubled, I'll automatically come to my blogspot and start typing out my rant but I usually delete all the previous ones because I don't feel it's very apt of ranting my anger about people around my life like I'm gossiping about them. I could no longer find comfort in the Comforter Himself, how odd huh? It feels like I'm journeying this life alone after all. This time, I'm not deleting my post.
So this is my 2nd year, 1st semester. As every semester, I come to a point where stress overtakes me. And when stress comes, I struggle emotionally. It's always emotions that affect me. Emotions affects how I think and most of the time, I overthink. Lately, I struggled to really understand the meaning of friendship. I value friends the most. But every friends that you made, surely there will always be a fight in between but it's always the matter of how you solve it to keep the friendship going. I have amazing friends in my life but some stayed and some left. My college friends whom I call them "The Squad" has always been my very close friends. But I come to know that stress always breaks people apart. The way you interact, the way you react and the way you treat a person is always different when you're stress. Recently, because of this one friend in my "squad" was really and very stress of her group assignment had hurt me deeply. If she wasn't a close friend of mine, I would not feel a pang of disappointment but because she is and because of that I'm going through a very hard time. She bursted out to me when I was trying to ask if she was doing fine with everything but instead she told me to mind my own business as it is not mine to be bothered. At first, I felt guilty but to think of it, what did I even do wrong to deserve this scolding from a close friend of mine? I'm truly devastated and upset and it drains me emotionally, I wasn't able to even eat properly and I know it's very dramatic of me but this is what emotions does to you. Due to this, I come to conclusion that to care for one person has its limits too. All these encounters frightens me because I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know when to care and when not to. I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore. This is why, I'm always extremely afraid to have close friends because no matter what, there will always be one point that ails me.
Whenever I lose ties with friends, this questions would always occur to me "What did I do wrong?". It's always the self-guilt comes first when obviously, I did not do anything wrong. It's funny how people always try to tell me to mend up the friendship, to be the first to let go of the grudge and most of the time, they made me feel guilty about myself. I have to mend the pieces up when they are the one who left. This really upsets me because to be honest, it brings down my pride and to tell the one who left that the fault was actually mine. And I'm the one who's always saying sorry. I'm tired of this friendship shit. I'm tired of people leaving me hanging and hurt. I don't think I'm able to deal with much more hurt. You might think I'm being a little self-pity here but it's actually how I feel. I have to always be cautious of how people would feel whereas do people even give a shit how I would feel. I don't wanna be the nice Rachel anymore, it's tiring. People always think they can fool me with their double-faced but it is not working, I'm not fooled. Though there are always friends leaving, I'm thankful that there are still friends staying. Stayed to put up with my shit and overthinking. Well, at least I still have a few more shoulders to cry on before they leave :)
x
Rachel Soo
So this is my 2nd year, 1st semester. As every semester, I come to a point where stress overtakes me. And when stress comes, I struggle emotionally. It's always emotions that affect me. Emotions affects how I think and most of the time, I overthink. Lately, I struggled to really understand the meaning of friendship. I value friends the most. But every friends that you made, surely there will always be a fight in between but it's always the matter of how you solve it to keep the friendship going. I have amazing friends in my life but some stayed and some left. My college friends whom I call them "The Squad" has always been my very close friends. But I come to know that stress always breaks people apart. The way you interact, the way you react and the way you treat a person is always different when you're stress. Recently, because of this one friend in my "squad" was really and very stress of her group assignment had hurt me deeply. If she wasn't a close friend of mine, I would not feel a pang of disappointment but because she is and because of that I'm going through a very hard time. She bursted out to me when I was trying to ask if she was doing fine with everything but instead she told me to mind my own business as it is not mine to be bothered. At first, I felt guilty but to think of it, what did I even do wrong to deserve this scolding from a close friend of mine? I'm truly devastated and upset and it drains me emotionally, I wasn't able to even eat properly and I know it's very dramatic of me but this is what emotions does to you. Due to this, I come to conclusion that to care for one person has its limits too. All these encounters frightens me because I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know when to care and when not to. I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore. This is why, I'm always extremely afraid to have close friends because no matter what, there will always be one point that ails me.
Whenever I lose ties with friends, this questions would always occur to me "What did I do wrong?". It's always the self-guilt comes first when obviously, I did not do anything wrong. It's funny how people always try to tell me to mend up the friendship, to be the first to let go of the grudge and most of the time, they made me feel guilty about myself. I have to mend the pieces up when they are the one who left. This really upsets me because to be honest, it brings down my pride and to tell the one who left that the fault was actually mine. And I'm the one who's always saying sorry. I'm tired of this friendship shit. I'm tired of people leaving me hanging and hurt. I don't think I'm able to deal with much more hurt. You might think I'm being a little self-pity here but it's actually how I feel. I have to always be cautious of how people would feel whereas do people even give a shit how I would feel. I don't wanna be the nice Rachel anymore, it's tiring. People always think they can fool me with their double-faced but it is not working, I'm not fooled. Though there are always friends leaving, I'm thankful that there are still friends staying. Stayed to put up with my shit and overthinking. Well, at least I still have a few more shoulders to cry on before they leave :)
x
Rachel Soo
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